Ask don’t Tell

What kind of people do you want? Consider first how you treat them as this will largely determine what you get.

In the military, one is trained to be disciplined and obedient at all times. Do exactly what you are told to do–word for word. Never miss a thing they tell you to do, and never take shortcuts, or you will suffer the consequences. Failproducts.com 

The hit 1960's spy parody television show "Get Smart" starring Don Adams as Maxwell Smart (recently made into a movie - 2008) featured a humanoid robot named Hymie, which followed instructions exactly as worded. For example, when Smart tells Hymie to "get a hold of yourself," he grasps each arm with the other.

In retail, we use the term "facing" which means to front face or pull products forward to the front of a shelf. A colleague once directed a new employee to face an aisle in a certain department. Upon checking a while later, he found the employee standing and facing the shelves down the aisle not understanding what was asked of him.

A disappointing fact to some, people are not machines that perform continuously doing exactly what they are designed for and only require fuel and minimal maintenance. However, a leader's military style interaction and expectations can render their people pretty close to a basic machine.

The most effective leaders influence and inspire through open-ended questions vs. dictation. They have a vision and clear idea of where they want to go, what it looks like when they get there and craftily steer people and consequently the organization toward the goal.

This does not refer to becoming more polite i.e.: instead of telling someone to do something, ask him or her to do it. Rather it is the ability, through questioning, to persuade others to come up with the answer, idea, direction etc. that you have in mind. This is essentially coaching which develops self-sufficient empowered individuals.

In war, people die if orders are not followed explicitly. In business, organizations fail if people are not empowered to use their judgement.

Ask don’t Tell

Contempt

The most destructive force in any organization is that of individuals within treating others with contempt. Consider the following with respect to marriage relationships:

John Gottman, Ph.D., a well respected psychologist and marriage researcher, says he can predict with 95% accuracy whether a marriage will end in divorce within 15 years by micro analyzing a videotape of the pair talking for an hour. His secret is paying attention to the number of times in the conversation the couples participate in what he calls the Four Horsemen:

• Defensiveness: A response like "It's not my fault, it's your fault!" to a real or imagined attack.
• Stonewalling: The silent treatment. This seems to be more common in men than women.
• Criticism: Labeling a partner with a negative trait such as "You're selfish."
• Contempt: Labeling a partner with a negative trait as if the blamed person is inferior and the criticizer is superior. Contempt is often shown through body language: tone of voice, facial expressions, and body movement. Just a roll of the eyes can signal that someone considers themselves above you.

As reported in Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking by Malcolm Gladwell, Gottman indicates that contempt is the single greatest indicator of a future relationship breakup. 
Psychology Today

Contempt is disrespect and condescension that attempts to put others on a lower plane. Gottman suggests that he can predict the future success of a marriage by just overhearing a conversation between couples in a restaurant over dinner, specifically listening for indicators of contempt.

A relationship is a relationship, why would there be any difference in the relationships within an organization? However, instead of divorce, we would have dysfunction, infighting, lack of trust and collaboration. In extreme cases, the destructive energy could be similar to what we saw in the 1989 film The War of the Roses (Michael Douglas & Kathleen Turner), where the goal was mutual mental and physically destruction.

Contemptuous behaviour in organizations should be confronted and dealt with quickly. Disagreement and debate is necessary. However, healthy disagreement is respectful and professional. Everyone inside, or who is exposed to your organization, deserves to be treated with respect and dignity – everyone.

We need to start with ourselves; do you view others (at work or at home) as inferior? The consequences of this thinking and the resulting behaviour are well documented.

Contempt